The van is still out of action. The guy who was going to send us an engine doesn’t have one; the people who do have engines are invariably hundreds of miles away, or they are offering a deal that sounds too good to be true. Unlike a good street food TV show, experience has taught me that such deals are, generally, too good to be true.
We need the van back by Glastonbudget, our first big festival of the year. At the moment it’s all hanging precariously on an engine in Doncaster and a mechanic in Birmingham. I’ll be honest, I’m not feeling especially lucky right now.
It’s at times like this that it’s tempting to call upon a higher power. The desperate hope that somehow, something will suddenly swoop down and solve the problem. Yes, at times like this, I turn to television. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some street food TV shows out there that could charge in and solve our woes, for the price of just a small piece of soul and some free exposure? I took the liberty of drawing up a few great ideas that any TV Exec would surely be delighted to commission.
Street Food TV Shows
The Food Van Fixer
This show follows the travels of a world-class mechanic, who tours the country saving food vans from the scrap heap. It’s got a moving montage, some sexy food shots and a big reveal at the end, where the world class mechanic saves the Jabberwocky, and we then come out and act all surprised. I use the phrase “I’m just totally speechless” continuously, despite compelling evidence that this isn’t true.
A business specialist with a tough exterior and a heart of gold comes in and gets things done. The specialist shares some hard truths with us, which we then discuss candidly on camera. We agree that we have learnt something and generally need to give 110%. They proceed to take TV cameras round to the various people who are dithering and ask them what they’re playing at, then corral a group of people to cheer as the work gets done and the Beast finally takes to the road again. There are dozens of high-fives.
Street Food Lives
This docusoap follows several different street food companies in their exciting daily lives. We conveniently name-drop anyone who is working on the van, which has the desired effect of speeding up the work significantly. With the aid of some fast cuts and crisis music everything looks like it’s going to fall apart, but comes together at the last minute, allowing us to drive off into the sunset after emotional hugs all round.
Micro Business Rush
Six micro-businesses are each given £5000 cash to make some fundamental changes to the business. They have just two weeks maximise revenue, with the winner getting a further £10,000 from some top investment company. We get the van back on the road after someone offers us a to-good-to-be-true deal for an engine, get to the festival and promptly get a second unit on the road. We scoop the grand prize and toasties are officially declared cool.
That should give most street food TV show commissioners, some ideas to be getting along with. Until then we will keep working on getting the van back together, but feel free to swoop in with cameras at any time.