Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse In A Food Van

As a naturally positive and realistic person I have come to the conclusion that with the van we would be well placed, should the need arise, to survive at least the first wave of a zombie apocalypse. It’s important to consider, because otherwise what if it comes up on a pitch application. An unprepared trader would not be able to give a satisfactory answer.

When the attack is initially announced you take the opportunity to stock up the van with fuel and food. During the on-season we will have all this ready to go, so ideally we’d need an apocalyptic infection on a Friday, just before a long weekend. The trick is to not panic at this stage, because that’s what everyone else is doing. So we pack everything into the van, including the generator, the knives and the spare petrol and diesel and phones, so that we can live tweet until the network goes down.

Once the initial panic has passed you need to get out of the town and into the country. Leamington, sadly, will be be lost already, with packs of zombies shambling round Jephson Gardens trying to eat the ducks and groaning crowds sitting in our many chain restaurants waiting to be served. Instead you want to get to a safe area which you can clear of the dead and wait for a cure. Not that I’ve needed to discuss this with Barny, but we’ve agreed to go to Sark.

So we jump in the van, go barrelling through the undead, slowly, and head for the coast. Here the van comes into his own. Excellent fuel economy (for a vehicle his age), low ratio gearbox for ploughing through corpses and nice impenetrable kitchen. Since we installed the new hob two people can lie down quite comfortably on the floor, and the annoying spinny roof thing provides excellent ventilation from above the stench of the infected.

At some point we’re then going to need to steal a ferry. I can’t imagine driving one is too hard, and my 30 Titanic viewings in the late 1990’s should put me in good stead to both steer and avoid passing icebergs, although there shouldn’t be too many in the channel what with it being summer.

Set up on the island, make sure anyone else fortunate enough to get out can join us and begin a new life as the Jabberwocky Survival Centre. Serving the finest apocalyptic toasties and occasionally being the heroes that come roaring out of nowhere just as someone is about to have their face eaten and save the day.

Try that in a gazebo.

Apocalyptic, locally sourced, sustainable and horse free.